No Clue What To Say, Part Two

CAN I ORDER SOME MAGIC WORDS ON AMAZON?

Spellcasting words (written or spoken) that will magic-wand away your kith-and-kin’s pain and misery?

Yeah. No. Ain’t no such thing.

But check this out:

• Inspiration for sentiments that won’t sound like you cribbed ‘em from a bored/stoned twit slouched on the Metro bus.

• Tips for creating communications that are personal, meaningful and original. [If you’ve been trying to get by with, “I can only IMAGINE how you must feel” then barf the big one, sweet peaches. Cuz personalizing compassion ain’t ever about yo fertile imagination.]

ABOUT WRITING

Don’t put it off! Handwritten/stamped/mailed is better—it can end up in their Memory Box; but typed/emailed will do. It’s the words, the thought, that’s most important.
Plan what you’ll say.
Sincerity is critical—and appreciated. Hollow words pass through the air and never touch the griever’s heart.

IN PERSON CAN BE TRICKIER

“Scripted” comes across as insincere; but DO think (in advance, if possible) about the sentiments you’d like to convey. The ones most likely to resonate with the griever … Maybe stories/memories they’d like to recall.
Be prepared for tears (theirs … or possibly yours) —not necessarily a bad thing.
Sometimes NO WORDS are best. (Play that one by ear.)
Sometimes what they most need is simply that you sit with them. Let them feel your strength and caring. Don’t think you have to fill the silence. (Ditto above.)
Tune in! Pay attention! Be willing to adapt (be willing to apologize!) if it looks like you’re making the situation worse instead of better.
Don’t hesitate to ask, “Do you want to change the subject?”

KEEP THE FOCUS ON THE GRIEVER

This isn’t about you. If you want to relate by mentioning a pet you lost, fine. But don’t get off on some all-about-me, my-loss-was-worse-than-your-loss tangent.
You may not feel the same way they do about pets in general, or theirs specifically. That’s the trick about empathy: we’re called upon to walk in someone else’s shoes.
Sometimes the very best words are the simplest. “What can I do for you?”

ABSOLUTE NO-NOs

[OR … Words that should never escape your lips/fingertips]

“It was just a [dog/cat]—at least it wasn’t a (child/spouse/parent/best friend/etc.)”
“You can always get another [cat/dog].”
“It’s been awhile, aren’t you over it yet/ready to move on?” (And other variations on this theme.)
“Just don’t think about it and it won’t hurt so bad.” … and similar suggestions. (Ugh! Maybe the most health-harming advice ever!)

Most important:

MOST IMPORTANT!!

Be sure your empathy, sympathy and compassion are authentic. (If you feel it you’ll find a way to express it.)
If you don’t/can’t feel genuine compassion—or if your relationship with the Someone-You-Care-About isn’t worth this much work, stick with Sorry for your loss.