For Adults, From the EXPERTS: Advice to Help Grieving Kids

KID-GRIEF: MAYBE YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE WASN'T THE BEST?

What was the reaction when you had your first childhood exposure to loss and grief? If it was supportive (lots of hugs/empathy/compassion) you’re one of the lucky ones. Or should I say, “lucky few”?

Many of us heard more common themes—sometimes passed down by rote from adults who didn’t know how to confront their own uncomfortable feelings, much less the hurt and upset of their kids:

  • “Don’t be such a baby.”

  • “I’ll give you something to cry about.”

  • “It’s time to get over it.”

  • “Don’t think about it and it will go away.”

    • Add-Your-Own (i.e. what were you told?)

Such reactions can seem like punishment, make us ashamed, or mock our devastation.

HELPING THEM LEARN TO "BRAVE LOSS"

Research shows that suppressing painful emotions is harmful to our health. It can result in all manner of mental/ physical illness, as well as emotional challenges. Because when we run from grief, it doesn’t stop and wave bye-bye. It follows us. Becomes Shadow Grief—Ghost Grief—that can haunt us til the end of our lives. 

Braving loss—dealing with grief head-on, teaching kids healthy coping skills—builds a solid foundation for adulthood.* 

LET'S START WITH A GIVEN: KIDS ARE DIFFERENT

Children often express grief differently than adults expect them to. They may appear

  • Angry, anxious, apathetic, guilty, helpless;

  • Reluctant to talk about the experience;

  • Unsettled by the sense sadness and tension of those around them;

  • Betrayed by an event they don’t understand;

  • Afraid that others they love may suddenly die.

  • They may act out. (teachers may see this before parents do)

  • Kids’ emotions can vacillate back & forth—or wander all over the map.

(for example, intense grief … to … happy/“normal” … to … weepy misery)

  • Kids often process emotions best through storytelling and creative activities. (More on this in future posts. Or check out the Pet Loss Survival Kit for KIDS, which includes research-based Activity Cards that offer helpful suggestions.)

RECOMMENDATIONS TO CONSIDER

  • Balance your own emotional reaction. Don’t try to hide your emotions or exclude kids from the grieving process; but an excessive display can be unnerving and alarming to kids.

  • Keep it simple/age-appropriate. Let the child lead conversations about their loss and their feelings.

  • Honesty is the best policy. It’s tempting to “restory” a death. But people well into old age recount how betrayed they felt when they realized (often years later) that those they trusted had deceived them about a loss:

    • “Tootsie ran away/got lost.” (We have to keep searching until we find her!)

    • “Fido is a sheep dog, he went to live on a ranch that has sheep.” (Guilt over not providing Fido what he needed “… so he would want to stay with me.”)

  • For kids who believe they’re “too old” for these kinds of activities, encourage them to do them with a younger child.

AND REMEMBER: YOU AREN'T MADE OF KRYPTONITE, EITHER!

Just because you’re “the adult in the room” doesn’t mean you have all the tools you need to deal with loss and grief, yourself! Never hesitate to seek additional sup-port/education/professional guidance to understand your own uncomfortable emotions and grieving process. 

*That’s a goal of the
Pet Loss Survival Kit for KIDS.

 
KidsElaine Taylor