AOTD*: Not Who You Wanna Be
[*Asshole of the Day]
Most of us don’t know shinola about grief. Either
Handling it for ourselves.
Or supporting others through it.
When Someone-You-Care-About (SYCA, to shortcut it) has lost their furry ray of sunshine it’s natural to want to comfort them. You start out with the best and purest of intentions.
Doesn’t mean you won’t end up stepping in it.
And, whether you’re aware of it or not, get yourself pegged as AOTD: Asshole of the Day.
When your goal is to show compassion and offer genuine succor, here’re some thoughts/suggestions you might find useful.
ABOUT THEM
REALLY IMPORTANT: Cut them some slack.
Your SYCA almost inevitably feels/deals with grief differently than you do. Most helpful thing you can do is support them in dealing in their own way.
Don't expect/suggest/encourage/try to help them “get over it”.
That’s a surefire way to make yourself untrustworthy (at least in this situation); and set up a big fake-out. I.e., they fool you by smiling/chatting/looking spiffy on the outside …
You’ll never know that on the inside they feel as gray and lifeless as the ashes in that cremains urn.
Don’t’ try to make them feel better. (Unless they ask for a grief-tamer assist.) Instead, respect whatever they’re feeling. Comfort them by welcoming their expression of honest emotions.
After all, it’s their grief. Not yours.
Don't ask, "Isn't it time to get back to normal?" Most basic rule of life:
YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK
Just as we carry physical scars on our bodies,
We carry the emotional scars of our losses forever.
Through good days and bad.
Doesn't mean we’re trying to be a martyr or throw a pity party.
Just means we're doing the best we can with the genuine emotions we’re feeling in the moment.
THREE THINGS HUMANS WANT MOST
To be seen.
To be heard.
To be understood.
And maybe most especially in a time like this, to have our feelings acknowledged and accepted. (Interestingly, that’s also what grief requires of us: That we see it, hear it, understand and respect it.)
If you don’t want them feeling isolated in their grief, DON’T:
Invalidate their emotional connection to their angel-pet.
Ridicule/diminish (overtly, covertly, passive-aggressively) their overwhelming sense of loss.
Do that and you’ll send them (and their feelings) scuttling underground. Cause them to hide the hurt from you—and maybe even from themselves. Which can set up all manner of health-thieves, both physical and emotional.
Whew!
Don’t want that on you, do ya?
ABOUT YOU
Gauge reactions but don’t be afraid of tears. (Theirs or, frankly, yours.)
Tune in to their needs! Do they want conversation? Interaction? Silent companionship? Time alone?
Unless you’re a certified mind-reader, nothing wrong with asking what they need from you. Directly! Just say the words, "What do you need from me right now?" Don’t take it personally if they say, Go away and give me space.
Grief doesn’t always “look like grief.” Grief might be expressed as
Anger
Betrayal
Guilt
Abandonment
Fear
THE LIST OF POSSIBLE GRIEF-RELATED EMOTIONS IS INFINITE
If your SYCA desires it, simply sit with them, be with them. (The woo-woo types call this "holding space.") We all yearn to feel safe expressing vulnerability when life takes us to our knees. But, even in our most confident times (and trust me, this isn’t one of them!)
Exposing our soft underbelly takes a f**k of a lot of courage.
For Pete's sake don't say, "You can always get another cat/dog/whatever they’ve lost." (Dingdingding!!! AOTD alert!) That implies that the fur-baby they adored was in no way special—is interchangeable with any other.
Humans can form as significant/more significant a bond with their non-human companions as their human ones. (Lots of research on why that happens.)
No “there, there” patting on the shoulder. (As in, ENOUGH ALREADY!) The flow of authentic emotions is as healthy as the mutually authentic relationship your compassion strengthens.
Don’t say, “The only reason I wish you would get over this is because I can’t stand to see you hurting.” (Dingdingdingding!!! AOTD alert!)
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU
Or your discomfort.
Or slamming them back into the roll of caretaking you. (Just gotta ask: If someone did that to you would it strike you as a bit needy/manipulative/douchy?)