FIVE STAGES of Grief? Uh, No.
We’ve all heard about the Five Stages of Grief identified by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
Many of us imagine that’s we’ll experience when we say goodbye to a beloved fur-baby.
Here’s the problem with that:
Kubler-Ross herself said she never meant those
Five Stages to define all forms of grief.
Her research focused on terminally ill patients. Not the loved ones they left behind. And certainly not us grieving pet lovers.
MOST IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER: GRIEF IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
If you’re anticipating a preordained Five Stages (as I did) you can end up confused and feeling waaaaay not normal. (That’s how I felt.)
While no one can give you a roadmap through pet-loss grief, there are some common themes. You might recognize some of them in my story.
I. COMMON THEMES: IN THE BEGINNING
On Rescue Day in 2006 Russell and I brought Bentley & Beemer to their new forever-home. What we never considered was
Their forever … would be shorter than ours.
For months after their absence echoed through our home, I felt
Hollowed out
Emotionally raw
Wanted nothing more than to lie in bed and grieve
Sound familiar?
II. ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
Attempts to drag myself back into “the real world” collided with heartbreaking reminders:
bones, bowls and beds—and all the rest
paraphernalia I knew I could never part with:
Beemer’s fave “squeaky baby” (fluffy and gnawed)
Bentley’s scuffed old-age traction boots (red mesh tops, black hiker treads)
“Jammies“ that still carried their scent (blue plaid, red striped)
scuffed-up dog collars with jangly nametags (big weep over those)
III. QUESTIONS NAGGED
I felt lost in my grief. As if I’d wandered into a maze of unanswered questions and couldn’t find my way out.
When will it stop hurting so bad?
Is it normal to grieve this much for “just a dog?”
How do people survive this heart-crushing grief?
Family and friends tossed out traditional grief-survival suggestions—familiar ones I’d employed throughout my life.
Suckitup, buttercup. Ain’t no other way.
Get busy. Then you won’t think about it.
Depression, fear, emptiness? Just keep smiling and they’ll magically disappear.
But with these goodbyes? Yeah. No.
Without my noticing, Bentley and Beemer had demolished a lifetime of carefully constructed emotional defenses. I couldn’t rebuild them.
So now: WTF?!
Research, baby. When ya don’t understand what you’re dealing with or how to fix what feels broken, time to crack the books.
IV. HELLBENT ON "DOING GRIEF DIFFERENTLY"
Living with grief was like owning a junkyard dog: when it attacked all I could do was duck-and-cover.
Magic-wanding it away wasn’t gonna happen. So I made a new grief goal:
Figure out how to live with it.
First step:
RESEARCH—I read stacks of books, piles of articles; dug through websites. Worked with a Grief Therapist (specialist in pet loss) who guided me to valuable insights.
Then I took teenie-tiny
SIMPLE ACTIONS—research based baby steps that felt right to me in the moment.
I learned a tuuuhn.
And surprisingly, soothed my heartache.
Does that mean I no longer grieve Bentley & Beemer? Hell NO, it doesn’t!
But I’m no longer paralyzed by grief—it no longer rules my life. And when it comes, it’s a well-mannered houseguest that doesn’t stay long.
V. HONORING BENTLEY & BEEMER'S DEVOTION
As I’ve done this work with grief I’ve met pet-lovers who’ve struggled as I have. Sharing some of what I’ve learned—on this website, in these blogposts, and with the
Gutsy Guides to Grief
Dog/Cat Loss Survival Kits
Pet Loss Survival Kit for KIDS
—is my way of helping others who are haunted by the loss of a cherished fur-baby.
So stick around. Future posts will offer research-based insights/suggestions that were helpful to me … and might help you brave this loss.