Hate To See ‘Em Hurting? No Clue What To Say?
Grief is never a one-size-fits-all experience. Grief affects the Someone-You-Care-About (SYCA to shortcut it) in a way that’s individual to them.
Your heart is big. [Or you wouldn’t be reading these words.]
YOUR HEART'S BIG
[Or you wouldn’t be here reading these words…]
Your comfort zone? … maybe not so much?
When SYCA is grieving you might feel awkward. Inept. Tend to stutter feeble clichés like
“Sorry for your loss.” [Lame and multi-purpose, can be used for: lost diamond ring, lost hair, lost baggage … you get the pic.]
“I can only imagine how you feel.” Du-uh. No. You can’t. And nobody knows that better than the person to whom you’ve just mouthed it.
Sympathy notes are hard to write. In-person condolences are often uncomfortable to deliver. For all of us.
What is the “right” thing to say? Is there a “right thing to say?”
SETTING THE STAGE for THIS GUIDE
It’s meant to help prime your sincere-sympathy-gene. [We know you’ve got one!]
Wouldn’t use it as a cut-‘n’-paste, if I were you. [Might as well go with Sorry for your loss.]
Sincerity is critical. Bullsh*t is as reeky-obvious as caca stuck to your shoe.
MOST IMPORTANT THING TO GET "RIGHT": YOUR MINDSET
Whether or not you’re one of those peeps who thinks in terms of “just a dog” … “just a cat”, it’s important to remember
Furry companions satisfy different needs in different people.
They can be a
Buffer against loneliness, a key participant in a mutually fulfilling bond.
Best friend, fave playmate, alarm system/preferred alarm clock, protector, helpmate.
Filler/healer of holes in our soul.
They’re infinitely versatile. We can assign them whatever personalities/character traits/emotions we want them to have. (And trust me: WE DO!)
Who’s to say they don’t understand us best?
Love/adore us more unconditionally/nonjudgmentally than any human ever will?
GETTING THE WORDS "RIGHT" (Both written and spoken)
You’ve undoubtedly figured out by now there are no cookie-cutter boilerplates. But these suggestions might help.
AVOID “GENERIC”. Make it personal. Reference their fur-baby by name if you know it. If not, ask them. (Or someone else who would know.)
Some grievers like to hear/tell stories about their departed. Light-hearted ones can help lift sorrow, if only momentarily. Like,
I’ll never forget that story about Bentley going after the skunk … you screaming at him to stop but he was sure he had it on the run. Until it lifted its tail …
Get them to tell you about their favorite stories/adventures together.
Mention good qualities
That cat was so funny—she could make a depressive bust a gut laughing.
Talk about a protector! Nobody would mess with you if Rex was around.
Acknowledge the quality of their relationship.
Watching you with Jeeves, we all used to say in our next lifetime we wanted to come back as your cat.
Fido was better mannered than most kids these days—such a pleasure to spend time with him!
Light-heartedness can be good: If I ever met a person who loved me the way Daisy loved you, I’d marry ‘em!
If you didn’t really know their fur-baby you’ll still likely know what s/he meant to your SYCA. So you can still validate their loss.
Wish I’d gotten to meet Lula—she sounds like a very special ray of sunshine. I’m so sorry for the huge hole she’s left in your heart.
Hope this helps stimulate your creative juices.
And for more specifics on written and in-person sentiments, check out the post